A Visit from the Relena Goon
by genmasho
Summary: Don't be fooled by the title, Relena does NOT appear in the fic...Just one of her "butlers". And who is "Martha"? And what's up with Duo's pants...?


**Disclaimer** Of course, I of all people do NOT own GW or any…thing else.  
  
A/n: Oh yes, my first attempt at writing a fanfic, or whatever it turns out to be. Hope ya like it! And please read and review. Script? Yes, this fic's in script layout, with some minor language.  
  
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**All of the G-boys are at some kind of Relena's tea party-thing**  
  
Duo: ::yawns:: Man…Why did she invite me? It's not like I'm the person she's been stalking since episode 2…  
  
Quatre: Duo! You know we're not supposed to know anything about…well…the "show"….  
  
Duo: Oh come on, it's not like-  
  
Mysterious Voice from Duo's overly large puffy pants: Enough Duo, speak not of the "show"…  
  
Duo: ::stares down at pants:: Fine, fine, but would ya quit randomly talking? It's making Trowa…stare…at me… ::looks over to Trowa who is death glaring at Duo's pants that behold the Mysterious Voice from Duo's overly large puffy pants::  
  
Trowa: …Damnit Martha…  
  
Duo: ::whispers to Quatre:: Do you know who this "Martha" is?  
  
Quatre: Well, apparently she's got something to do with your pants… ::looks at Duo's pants::  
  
Duo: Oh man…not another one…  
  
Wufei: ::stands up and evilly points at Duo's pants:: I know you're in there Trieze! You cannot hide from me much longer!!  
  
::Quatre and Duo stare at Wufei as he then sits back down calmly::  
  
Duo: ::shakes head:: OK man, listen, Trieze is dead. D-e-a-d. Dead. That means that he is NOT living, walking around, bathing in rose scented fragrance while drinking red wine, and above all NOT in my pants! ::looks down at pants:: It's OK Pants, he didn't mean it…didn't mean it at all…  
  
Trowa: …Damnit Martha…  
  
**All the sudden one of Relena's goons- er, I mean butlers comes in with a handful of tea candies**  
  
Butler: Ok ladies, here are your treaty-weaties!! Hope you enjoy them because they're 'mm 'mm delicious!! ::prances over to Heero:: Here you go little girl!  
  
Heero: …  
  
Butler: Ohh!! You are just sooo CYOOOT! Lemme give you a widdle smoochy- woochy!  
  
Heero: ::pulls out a pineapple from his infamous spandex pants and puts it up to the Butlers face:: Don't make me use this…  
  
Butler: For me?! Oh I've ALWAYS wanted one!! ::totally ignores Heero and skips over to the sitting Wufei::  
  
Heero: … ::puts pineapple away protectively::  
  
Butler: ::to Wufei:: Hello little girl! How are you today my widdly shnuggley pookie wookie potatoe pie!! Would you wike a widdle candy?  
  
Wufei: Dear…god…!! You…aren't…human…!!  
  
Butler: Oh really? And I thought this tux was too revealing, but if you think so! ::ignores Wufei and twirls over to Quatre::  
  
Wufei: But I didn't say anything…TRIEZE! ::snaps back to Duo's pants::  
  
Butler: ::to Quatre:: Ooohhh… You are just the CYOOTest little girl I have ever seen!  
  
Quatre: Please…go…away…  
  
Butler: Ooohhh… And so modest too!  
  
Quatre: ::looks down at floor:: Ok, well yeah, I guess I am the hottest babe here. ::breaks into a model pose with puckered lips::  
  
Butler: Mmmhmmm! ::leaves Quatre and river dances over to Trowa::  
  
Quatre: ::still in model pose::  
  
Butler: ::to Trowa:: Oh now how is my-  
  
Trowa: …Damnit Martha… ::eerie music is heard, and then a sudden bashing of pots and pans, lightning, and screeching cats is heard::  
  
::Everyone looks around for the source of the sound::  
  
Butler: ::backs away:: …Well I'm just gonna go over there now… ::Irish jigs over to Duo::  
  
Trowa: …Damnit Martha…  
  
Butler: ::to Duo:: O-M-G!! I. Just. Love. Your. HAIR!! Gurl, you just look soooo fine! Mmmhmmm gurl!  
  
Duo: ::blankly stares at Butler:: …Can I ask you a question?  
  
Butler: Sure thing honey bunches of O's!!  
  
Duo: …Are you gay?  
  
Quatre: Duo! ::snaps out of model pose:: How could you ask something like that! And right in the middle of my Brad Pitt pose!  
  
Duo: Well, I mean…the way he…uh… ::looks back to Butler:: So are you gay?  
  
Butler: Girls, girls, we mustn't fight among ourselves. ::starts doing some random aerobics::  
  
Duo: Yep. Gay.  
  
**Crash**  
  
::Everyone looks to the doorway as troops of military men come in and surround the Butler::  
  
Random Soldier: All right! Drop the Tea candies bub, we've finally caught you!  
  
Butler: ::drops candies and starts filing nails:: Well it's about time, I mean I was getting worried that you ladies weren't going to come and get lil 'ol me…  
  
Random Soldier: We're MEN damnit, not some skirt wearing, bow tying, lipstick wearing, eye fluttering moronic baboons! Men!! Now drop the disguise!!  
  
Duo to Quatre: Do we have any part in this?  
  
::Before he can answer the Mysterious Voice from Duo's overly large puffy pants interrupts::  
  
Mysterious Voice from Duo's overly large puffy pants: No part have we long haired man. Now shush so that I can bask in the glow of the radiating hamsters.  
  
Heero: Darn.  
  
Butler: (back to this part of the story that yes I know doesn't make any sense…) Disguise? Me? Why, why would you ever think that moi would have a disguise?  
  
Random Solder: Because you're really….RICHARD SIMMONS!!  
  
Audience members: ::gasp::  
  
Butler: No! It can't be true!  
  
Duo: I KNEW it!!  
  
Heero: And to think I almost used my pineapple on that thing…  
  
Wufei: Well that explains why he isn't human.  
  
Quatre: But we shouldn't be fighting at all!  
  
Trowa: …Damnit Martha…  
  
Zech's spleen: ::gurgle gurgle::  
  
Random Soldier: Oh yes! And I've got your little dog too!  
  
Little Dog: I resent being called "little".  
  
Butler: Noooooo!!!!!!!!!!! ::rips off butler mask revealing that he is truly ::shivers:: Richard Simmons::  
  
Butler who is really Richard Simmons: Ok, ok, so you've caught me! What're you going to do with me now, huh you tub of flubber? Are you going to laugh at me?! Call me "lizzy"? Will you mock my ways and then eat a fish named "Ralph"? Will my socks ever smell the same again? Why do they 'can't believe it's not butter'? Who am I? Will they hang me by my curly hair and then wax my toes while cleaning up my PUDDLE?!  
  
Random Soldier: …Uhh…Well, actually, we were just gonna return your wallet, ::looks at soldiers who in return grumble 'yes' and nod:: but if you really want to than I guess…  
  
Butler who is really Richard Simmons: Oh. Well In that case, never mind! ::gets all perky and then prances over to the g-boys:: Well girls, you've been a pleasure to work with. ::picks up the little dog and rids him off into the sunset with the Random Soldier who later ran into a wall::  
  
**All is silent**  
  
Duo: …So what was the point of all this again?  
  
Trowa: …DAMNIT MARTHA!! ::spontaneously combusts::  
  
::All stare at the pile once known as Trowa::  
  
Quatre: Well Duo, I think the point of this was to teach, that, uh… Well that Relena has really bad taste in Butlers.  
  
Wufei: Wow. How…OBVIOUSLY OBVIOUS that was! And so injustice too!!  
  
Heero: ::mumbles:: Pineapples can be kinda itchy at times…  
  
Quatre: Sorry Wuffy, but…I…I didn't mean it!  
  
Wufei: ………. "WUFFY"?!?!?!?!?!?!  
  
Duo: Um guys, not to interrupt or anything, but is it a good thing that the pile formally known as Trowa is sizzling?  
  
Pile formally known as Trowa: ::sizzle sizzle::  
  
Quatre, Wufei and Heero: ….Nah.  
  
- - - - -  
  
Mysterious Voice from Duo's overly large puffy pants: End of story, that it is. Now be off! For I must wander the depths of John Travolta's nose…  
  
End.  
  
A/n: So, did ya like it? Yes, it was kinda random but what can I-  
  
::suddenly goes to a totally white room thing where Quatre and Duo are aimlessly floating::  
  
Duo: Hey Quatre, I've been thinking, wasn't Relena supposed to be in here somewhere?  
  
Quatre: Nah, we never did like her anyway. And I think she's still in the cage full of rabid clowns…  
  
Duo: Hmm, thought it was something like that…  
  
Quatre: Oh, and Duo…  
  
Duo: Yes?  
  
Quatre: You know that whole "thinking" thing you've been trying to do recently?  
  
Duo: Yeah…  
  
Quatre: Don't.  
  
::Fades out back to Author blab::  
  
A/n: -say, It's almost 11pm and I'm kinda out of it right now… Please review!!! 


End file.
